Dear the 30 years old me, from 28 years old me.

 

I'm so proud of you!

• For graduating.
• for achieving your own middle-long term goal that you set from your 20s.
• for quitting a job because you believe you deserve better.
• for trying your best to adapt to changes.
• for doing your best to be better.

Not sure how my 30s gonna be like but I hope I don't procrastinate taking health insurance.

Happiest birthday, my own self.

Dear the 30 years old me, from the 20 years old me.

So hi, Alia yang berumur 30 tahun dalam 10 tahun lagi. TUANYAAAAAAAAA ENGKO.
Aku tak pasti aku hidup lagi ke tak, aku operate ke apa, aku accident ke apa tapi aku harap sangat kau berubah jadi manusia beriman sikit. Kalau mati tu, sempat taubat lah senang cerita.

Aku tak dapat bayang aku umur 30 tahun sebab aku tak nampak masa depan lagi.
Aku tak tahu aku end up berpartner dengan siapa, ada jodoh ke tak, still contact kawan lama ke tak..
Aku jugak tak tahu aku kerja apa nanti, aku tak tahu ajal siapa pergi dulu..

Shit, scary isn't? And 2024. OMGGGGGG DAH LEPAS DARIPADA WAWASAN 2020.

Aku harap kau sedar siapa kau dulu kalau kau berjaya.
Aku harap kau sedar kau boleh bangun kalau kau jatuh.

BE MOVED, slogan Sony dulu.
Alia yang berumur 20 ni sekarang gila Sony, asyik fikir kalau ada duit je.
30 tahun tapi tolong lah jangan jadi noob sangat. Beli lah sikit gadgets gegempak.
Zaman power kot? Tak dapat bayang technology apa 10 tahun akan datang.

Akan ku post kan post ini pada birthday kamu, wahai Alia yang berumur 30 tahun.

Happy birthday, dear self. Eee tuanya engko.
(from the 20 years old me)

.. Oh and btw, I love you all. I'm gonna miss everyone.

Draft post lama: Cerita aku dan air mata

29/05/2015:

Haritu aku lawat mak aku, 

selepas akak aku turunkan aku dan ayah aku betul betul depan hospital,

aku tolak kerusi roda ayah aku slow-slow pergi ke bilik mak aku. 

Ada diantara mereka pandang aku, 

mungkin mereka simpati tengok aku tolak orang 4 kali ganda lagi berat daripada aku. 

Hek eleh lu.

Dan akhirnya kami sampai di bilik itu, bilik itu kosong. 

Mak aku still check up lagi. 

Situasi macam biasa, masing masing dengan phone masing masing. 

30 minit kemudian, kedengaran bunyi katil ditarik lalu dimasukkan ke dalam bilik.

Ayah perhati gerak geri mak aku yang sedang mamai ditemani nurse nurse..sambil menahan rasa nangis.
Dan selepas nurse-nurse itu keluar, akhirnya dia tewas jua ha ha haaa..

Aku ketawa.

Sebab apa?

Sebab sekarang aku tahu aku ikut perangai siapa.

Dulu pernah juga sekali mak aku masuk hospital menahan sakit, tapi lagaknya aku nangis macam mak aku dah takda pula. 

Ok, tu je.

15/05/2023:

Tanggal 15/03/2025 lepas, ayah aku dah takda.

The moment I knew he has cancer, aku nangis sorang sorang dalam kereta.

The moment I knew he has another week left, aku nangis lagi dalam kereta lama lama.

The moment he passed away and it's actually less than one week depan mata aku, aku terkilan.

I don't know how to explain it, 

I don't know how to express it, 

I don't know how to write in general but in silence; I grieve.

Kita redha dia pergi tapi sedih tu benda yang pasti.

I'm still digesting that he's gone -- still. 

Dan benar, cengeng aku ikut ayah.

Moga ayah tenang disana.

Lia sentiasa doakan ayah.  

Words from former lead.

1. "Regardless of what potential others see in you, the most important thing is you want to make a move. You know yourself; if you don't like the things you do, you won't have results."

It was supportive words from a former superior from a company I left for my career break.

2. "Don't worry, go with your gut; if you work hard, you'll do fine with either choice. Don't feel bad; it's all okay. Think for yourself to grow your career."

These are the words of a former superior from a company where it became my first interview after the 6 months career break. It was my first experience working in a commercial team.

3. "If people around you don't speak up, it's a good opportunity for you in the future. But if you want to stay longer, speak up but remember to be aligned with the management."

It was from a former leader that left the organization I'm currently working with. I only work with this lead for a month.

4. "If you are not feeling well, I will advise you to see a doctor and apply for MC. If you are taking care of your care and not getting enough sleep, I can give you my approval or exception."

And these are the words of my current manager.

Having an empathetic manager is undoubtedly a +1 for me.

Because you know that they actually want the best for you.

2023

It's been a while.

The last post was dated 8th August 2022; hence it's around 6 months?

Crazy how 6 months, I have progressed so much.

I ended my employment contract with an e-commerce company and started working at a healthcare company.

Well, 2023 is a bit crazy for me.

I underwent oral surgery in January, and my dad was officially diagnosed with colon cancer.

In February, I was diagnosed with scoliosis.

Despite all that, I'm coping well?

Okay, that's all!

Perubahan.

Diberi ruang untuk aku buktikan.

Diberi peluang untuk aku tunjukkan.

Diberi kesempatan untuk aku lampirkan.

Diberi jalan untuk aku teruskan.

Diberi lubang untuk aku tebuskan.

Diberi kepercayaan itu, 

suatu benda yang mahal bagi aku.

It is always nice.

Tapi bila peluang itu diberi oleh dua pihak yang berlainan;

it is also always confusing for me to choose.

Moga semuanya baik-baik saja.

Bersebab.

 

Mungkin Tuhan atur hidup sebegitu, bersebab.

Apakah sebabnya?

Apakah hikmahnya?

Apakah ertinya?

 

Munasabah diri.

Kerna refleksi diri itu kunci untuk kesedaran diri.

It's okay.

It's okay to apply. 

At least you try.

(small steps are still a progress)

 

It's okay to be nervous. 

At least you make steps.

(better late than never, at least you try)

It's okay to fail an interview. 

At least you learn how to answer well from time to time.

(getting the opportunity to talk to people in the company is also a good thing too)

It's also okay to stay if the environment fits you.

It's also okay to leave if you want changes.

Have faith in yourself.  

If it's meant for you, it will be; for you.

 

Go anywhere you want, do whatever is best for you,

respect people around you, do your best always, 

leave when it's time and be better from time to time.

Surviving, adapting or living?

 

Surviving, adapting or living?

Surviving is when you're trying to cope. You hold on.

Adapting is when you're coping with things. You adjust.

Living is when you're free from feeling miserable. You enjoy life.

So which one are you?

Calming, soothing.

Writing soothes me.
My betta fish calms me.
People humanize me.
Random moments remind me that life is basically simple.

As much I enjoy being alone, I enjoy not feeling lonely around people.
May I be surrounded by lovely people, and may I give good vibes to people.

Draft post lama: Buang masa.

02/06/2015 00:42

Time belajar dulu tak sabar sangat nak habis belajar.
Sekarang ni dah habis belajar, aku taknak kerja.
Aku nak study.

14/01/2021 03:22

Time kerja dan belajar dulu tak sabar juga nak habis belajar.

Sekarang ni dah habis belajar 2.0, aku nak kerja tempat lain.

Dan aku masih ada perasaan nak sambung study.

*Genap 6 tahun, 7 bulan dan 12 hari aku tulis benda ni. 

Fasa kehidupan yang berbeza. 

Antara tak punya pilihan dan punya pilihan.

Adjustment.

The willingness to accept,

the desire to change,

and the eagerness to adapt.

These are important.

2022.

 

26 November itu hari, aku berhenti kerja.

16 December itu hari, aku finally bergraduasi. 

Gila? Gila.

Menyesal? Tidak.  

Sebenarnya salah satu lifegoal aku awal 20-an adalah untuk aku kekal kerja satu tempat sampai aku habis belajar. 

Bila dah habis belajar, lifegoal seterusnya adalah berhenti dan pergi cuba benda lain dalam hidup.

Mental health? Restored! Financial wealth? Destroyed! Haha!

Looking forward to the next adventure in life. InsyaAllah. Kalau ada rezeki.

I cried when I got my part-time degree transcript btw. I cried cause I finally made it.

Dalam 5 tahun belajar dan 6 tahun kerja, banyak benda jadi.

Orang tinggalkan aku, aku tinggalkan orang.

Pernah kerja sampai malam. 

Pernah study tak tidur malam. 

But overall, all was worth it!

I deserve this. I deserve to celebrate. I deserve to be happy.

@aliamustaphaa

Live life to the fullest katanya

♬ Fayahh Robinsonprods - rb

Melepaskan.

Bunyinya senang, buat-nya payah.

Awalnya lega, dan tiba tiba kau boleh rasa miserable dengan semua benda.

Boleh jadi membahagiakan, boleh jadi menakutkan.

But the most important thing is, 

letting go is the very first step to jump into something new.

People will condemn. 

People will judge. 

People will surely talk about it directly to you or talk about it to other people behind your back.

Yang paling penting adalah kau. Persetankan yang lain. 

You know what's best for you.

Draft post: Conversation tergantung.

1st March, 2019

"Kenapa manusia kena ada perasaan?" tanya dia.

"Sebab kalau kita emotionless, kita bukan manusia. Kita manusia yang secara indirect-nya sebenarnya robot ataupun badut. Where we pretend. Where we fake things. Where inside we're dead. And that's why each time when we feel dull it's important try to humanize ourselves. Rasa janggal nak express emosi sendiri buat kita jadi murung. Menjauh nak sorang sorang. And even mati jiwa, mati hati, we can always move forward tapi tak rasa benda tu true sangat. It's normal to yknow feel like shit at times. Tapi kalau all the time ada benda kot kena ubah. Nak lawan rasa kosong menjadikan kita mixed feelings. But we'll fix ourselves somewhere and somehow. Takda siapa boleh bantu kita sebab kita yang kena sedar sendiri." jawab aku, panjang.

Ringkasan 2021.

 

Kalau terus buat apa kita suka, hidup jadi lagi tenang.

Kalau terus buat apa kita tak suka, perasaan terpaksa -- boleh buat kita rasa tertendang.

Kerja, tak semestinya hobi kita.

Passion, tak semestinya jalan untuk hidup yang senang.

Flexible and be adaptable to things, itu mungkin itu benda yang kita patut focus on.

Mungkin kita kena cuba lagi. Mencuba dan mencuba, sampai tak lagi mahu.

Tulisan 2018.

 

Antara seribu satu detik yang baik,

dan sepuluh detik yang kurang baik.

Cuba teka yang mana buat kita fikir banyak kali?

Cuba teka yang mana buat kita fikir untuk pergi?

Cuba teka yang kita ingat sampai mati?

Life update III & IV

 

 Life Update I |Life Update II

Life update III:

2020, I got promoted again.

2021, I finally finish my part-time degree. 

"Life is full of unexpected happenings.

And also uncertainties.

And also possibilities.

And also surprises."

The 22 years old me, wrote that before. 

As the 27 years old me, I would say that it's true. 

Life is never consistent. 

I lost some people and I found new people. 

I lost some and I gained some.

I swear that there were (and are) times where I feel like giving up.

The key to make things work is to acknowledge that you're just a normal human being. 

Down berkali kali takpa, tapi jangan pernah berhenti.

Alhamdulillah.

Pilih.

Disebalik accomplishment, ada struggle.
Tapi tak semua nampak.

Disebalik achievement, ada yang pertikaikan.
Dan tak semua tumpang gembira.

Disebalik tabir, ada yang persoal dan buat andaian.
Tapi tak semua berani bertanya.

Yang manusia nampak, kelemahan.
Yang manusia buat, andaian.

Menerima kejayaan orang; tak semua boleh terima dan 

tak semua juga boleh nampak dengan perspektif yang berbeza.

Daripada pilih jalan untuk berhasad dengki, 

kenapa tidak untuk terima dan fikir macam mana cara untuk kita perbaiki?

Menerima dan perbaiki - bersyukur dan redha.
Aku tetap aku, aku akan teruskan bergerak ke hadapan.

Dan kau;
Tetap mundur ke belakang.
Maju kehadapan.
Ataupun bersama sama dengan aku untuk kehadapan.

Pilih.

2021 (the hell did I skipped 2020?)

 

2021.

What.

The.

Hell.

2021??

Really...

I feel like I'm skipping age. From 25, terus pergi 27. 

Cheatcodes apakah ini? 

Mungkin nama cheatcode ini bernama COVID-19?

Anyway, for 2020 I got job-promoted again.

Also, I found new people that I would want to keep for a long time!

Apart from that, it was a year of me changing my hair colour.

Anyway yes, I'm still alive. 

Okay tu je. 

Makin tua ni makin banyak tanggungjawab.